February 2018
Have you ever thought you were all alone in this world? If your honest, I think we all could admit to feeling all alone at least at one point in our lives. But were you truly all alone? Really how does one know when they truly are? I think we can think of it literally and existentially. I've had the opportunity to ponder this at length these past few weeks and came to the conclusion that I am truly all alone literally. Is that bad? Is it good? Does it really matter? Why am I so dang sensitive? Will I give up aloneness?
I've always been a really guarded person. Always. I learned early on that people, well, they will just break your heart. Being an empath too, I've have had my heart broken by pure assholes and that sucks worse. I've set up my life to not need anyone; being alone...not having anyones drama seemed like the easier way to live life. Hence, years and years of never letting anyone in; never relying on person and certainly never allowing myself to love another human in a romantic way. When I'm not busy with work, I'm busy hiding from people. Ice queen reporting for duty, just call me Elsa.
I have only myself to blame, and I'm not sure it's blame I want to absorb. I'm left with only myself. Sad to some, yeah go ahead and feel sorry for me but I honestly don't care one bit. Or so I say I don't care but that would be a big fat lie. I do care. I care a lot! I care because I'm a damn empath. "I'm super fucking sensitive! I love this about myself only slightly more than I can't stand it! Sometimes I wish I were an unfeeling stone who didn't take everything so personally and didn't need so much space all the time. Feelings can get exhausting fast!"
In the past three weeks, I feel like my world has come crashing down. Normally the bumps in the road don't phase me or if they do its a 24 hour thing and I move on. I put all my effort and commitment to my work. I love my career. I'm successful. And my career loves me. But over the course of the last three weeks I have been knocked down, and not just knocked down but sucker punched down hard. Work can usually rescue me as it is phenomenal and I'm on the cusp of exciting things. It's amazing when you love what you do. But my personal life over the past three weeks... sigh, a downward spiral. So much shit! Where to begin...
Let's see, traveling to 4 states in 48 hours and I land back at home only to pray to God I make it home without vomiting in the Uber! That would not get me a 5 Star rating! Luckily, I successfully made it home to discover a strange man wandering in my front yard. Thankfully the amazing Uber driver got out and ran the guy off. Safely locked inside the non stop vomiting began. A few hours later I find myself in the ER and the lucky winner of a viral stomach and cold infection. I'd spend the next 5 days basically unconscious in bed wishing I would just die! And to this day that damn viral infection cold just won't go away!!
They say things come in three's so what could possibly be my number 2? After my health returned to a point I could actually hold food down and not cough up a lung every ten minutes I went to dinner with friends and family. On the way home (literally two lights before I was to make the turn down my street) a very careless driver failed to yield the right of way and slammed into my vehicle injuring all of us and totaling my brand new SUV. I can still see the impact when I close my eyes; I can still smell the burning; I can still hear my passengers yelling to get out of the smoke filled car. I am also still in incredible pain. Broken bones; contusions, concussions, sprains and PTSD... it's been horrific and a nightmare that won't end soon. Was that my number 2?
Three... I don't know, or it hasn't happened yet or either I didn't calculate 1 & 2 correctly. Or maybe I'm just in a colossal shit storm since December. You see it all started when I went in for a routine check up at a dermatologist and found out I had the pre cancerous cells of the same carcinoma my father just had surgically removed. All alone, with no one to share, not having a shoulder to cry on or anyone to tell how fucking scared I was. It sucked. I had the cells removed immediately. The pre-cancer is gone.
Moving on from the cancer care to a meet up with a friend that I believe truly cares about me. But this time it was so different. He was irritated, almost angry with me. I wasn't getting the vibe he was sending me. Perhaps it was just a bad day but I just don't know. Being with him was cold, and emotionless. He promised me he'd always be there but he's not. Perhaps it's Karma... I so get karma. You can't knowingly be someones side piece and expect it to end well, right? I'm not asking for sympathy just a little bit of empathy and while I might have been innocent in the beginning, I was a willing participant thereafter. Regardless, a broken heart is a broken heart.
I meet this new man who talks a really great game. He acts as if he is really interested in me. He calls, texts and send messages for weeks. I finally agree to see him again and he seems lovely. Perhaps I should let my guard down I think? He does seems like a really nice guy and he hasn't pulled any of the other "red flag" stunts some others have tried. He seems really patient and kind too. He tells me what a great catch I am. While I know this, it is still nice to hear. And then one night he calls late at night and wants to stop by my house....turns out he's a loser douchebag too! He's just looking for a side piece too. Not nice and leave me alone!
I set boundaries, really firm boundaries with people in 2017. I let go of all the fake friends, toxic family, bullshit drama that drags me down. In 2018 my goal was to release those people I still do love and care for but no longer serve a purpose in my life. I can do it but through all this "stuff" this past month I've come to realize that I really want a person. A person who truly loves me; a person I can call when the bad things in life happen; a person who will hold my hand and tell me it will all be ok. I want someone I can trust; whom I can adore and who adores me. Someone I can be there for and they can be there for me. For the first time in my life I want a person.
As I spew these words on my screen I know what it means and my anxiety starts to seep in. I'm going to have to risk being hurt, being crushed, being destroyed. It could get worse before it gets better! But, after the past 5 weeks... of having these horrible things happen and having no one to call, no one to cry too, no one to help, no one to be there I realize I can't shut off the world. I just need to find the right person. My dear friend Martha has told me repeatedly to be open minded. I'm gonna be! Cautious but open minded. I know being an empath is hard. It sucks cause you feel sorry for assholes too. Being an empath, being sensitive, it's a great thing and it's the worse thing! So onward, gonna put the muck in the past and move on. I'm not gonna have a series of crazy happen and not have someone to help me, love me, be there for me in the future. I'm embracing my empathness!
In the end, I still don't know if there is any merit to the bad things come in threes. Tonight, one of my children is facing a medical issue that scares me. What number is that? At this point, I'm believing a shit storm is a shit storm and there is no group of 3's. Also at this point, I'd gladly take the group of 3 and move on. Seriously though, I'm blessed. While these bad things that have happened have been scary, terrifying, painful, etc. it could have ended very differently, very dark, worse, but it didn't. Karma, it's kept the darkness under control and allowed the light in. I feel like a phoenix rising from the ashes. I'm gonna find my person. They are out there! And fair warning, be prepared for a wild beautiful ride. You can't keep this empath down! People suck, life sucks but there is also beauty to be found.
Mostly though, I know my sensitivity is a superpower, perhaps my greatest, and it's the thing that keeps me loving our world in a profound way. That is... when I'm not too busy hiding from the world.
Have you ever thought you were all alone in this world? If your honest, I think we all could admit to feeling all alone at least at one point in our lives. But were you truly all alone? Really how does one know when they truly are? I think we can think of it literally and existentially. I've had the opportunity to ponder this at length these past few weeks and came to the conclusion that I am truly all alone literally. Is that bad? Is it good? Does it really matter? Why am I so dang sensitive? Will I give up aloneness?
I've always been a really guarded person. Always. I learned early on that people, well, they will just break your heart. Being an empath too, I've have had my heart broken by pure assholes and that sucks worse. I've set up my life to not need anyone; being alone...not having anyones drama seemed like the easier way to live life. Hence, years and years of never letting anyone in; never relying on person and certainly never allowing myself to love another human in a romantic way. When I'm not busy with work, I'm busy hiding from people. Ice queen reporting for duty, just call me Elsa.
I have only myself to blame, and I'm not sure it's blame I want to absorb. I'm left with only myself. Sad to some, yeah go ahead and feel sorry for me but I honestly don't care one bit. Or so I say I don't care but that would be a big fat lie. I do care. I care a lot! I care because I'm a damn empath. "I'm super fucking sensitive! I love this about myself only slightly more than I can't stand it! Sometimes I wish I were an unfeeling stone who didn't take everything so personally and didn't need so much space all the time. Feelings can get exhausting fast!"
In the past three weeks, I feel like my world has come crashing down. Normally the bumps in the road don't phase me or if they do its a 24 hour thing and I move on. I put all my effort and commitment to my work. I love my career. I'm successful. And my career loves me. But over the course of the last three weeks I have been knocked down, and not just knocked down but sucker punched down hard. Work can usually rescue me as it is phenomenal and I'm on the cusp of exciting things. It's amazing when you love what you do. But my personal life over the past three weeks... sigh, a downward spiral. So much shit! Where to begin...
Let's see, traveling to 4 states in 48 hours and I land back at home only to pray to God I make it home without vomiting in the Uber! That would not get me a 5 Star rating! Luckily, I successfully made it home to discover a strange man wandering in my front yard. Thankfully the amazing Uber driver got out and ran the guy off. Safely locked inside the non stop vomiting began. A few hours later I find myself in the ER and the lucky winner of a viral stomach and cold infection. I'd spend the next 5 days basically unconscious in bed wishing I would just die! And to this day that damn viral infection cold just won't go away!!
They say things come in three's so what could possibly be my number 2? After my health returned to a point I could actually hold food down and not cough up a lung every ten minutes I went to dinner with friends and family. On the way home (literally two lights before I was to make the turn down my street) a very careless driver failed to yield the right of way and slammed into my vehicle injuring all of us and totaling my brand new SUV. I can still see the impact when I close my eyes; I can still smell the burning; I can still hear my passengers yelling to get out of the smoke filled car. I am also still in incredible pain. Broken bones; contusions, concussions, sprains and PTSD... it's been horrific and a nightmare that won't end soon. Was that my number 2?
Three... I don't know, or it hasn't happened yet or either I didn't calculate 1 & 2 correctly. Or maybe I'm just in a colossal shit storm since December. You see it all started when I went in for a routine check up at a dermatologist and found out I had the pre cancerous cells of the same carcinoma my father just had surgically removed. All alone, with no one to share, not having a shoulder to cry on or anyone to tell how fucking scared I was. It sucked. I had the cells removed immediately. The pre-cancer is gone.
Moving on from the cancer care to a meet up with a friend that I believe truly cares about me. But this time it was so different. He was irritated, almost angry with me. I wasn't getting the vibe he was sending me. Perhaps it was just a bad day but I just don't know. Being with him was cold, and emotionless. He promised me he'd always be there but he's not. Perhaps it's Karma... I so get karma. You can't knowingly be someones side piece and expect it to end well, right? I'm not asking for sympathy just a little bit of empathy and while I might have been innocent in the beginning, I was a willing participant thereafter. Regardless, a broken heart is a broken heart.
I meet this new man who talks a really great game. He acts as if he is really interested in me. He calls, texts and send messages for weeks. I finally agree to see him again and he seems lovely. Perhaps I should let my guard down I think? He does seems like a really nice guy and he hasn't pulled any of the other "red flag" stunts some others have tried. He seems really patient and kind too. He tells me what a great catch I am. While I know this, it is still nice to hear. And then one night he calls late at night and wants to stop by my house....turns out he's a loser douchebag too! He's just looking for a side piece too. Not nice and leave me alone!
I set boundaries, really firm boundaries with people in 2017. I let go of all the fake friends, toxic family, bullshit drama that drags me down. In 2018 my goal was to release those people I still do love and care for but no longer serve a purpose in my life. I can do it but through all this "stuff" this past month I've come to realize that I really want a person. A person who truly loves me; a person I can call when the bad things in life happen; a person who will hold my hand and tell me it will all be ok. I want someone I can trust; whom I can adore and who adores me. Someone I can be there for and they can be there for me. For the first time in my life I want a person.
As I spew these words on my screen I know what it means and my anxiety starts to seep in. I'm going to have to risk being hurt, being crushed, being destroyed. It could get worse before it gets better! But, after the past 5 weeks... of having these horrible things happen and having no one to call, no one to cry too, no one to help, no one to be there I realize I can't shut off the world. I just need to find the right person. My dear friend Martha has told me repeatedly to be open minded. I'm gonna be! Cautious but open minded. I know being an empath is hard. It sucks cause you feel sorry for assholes too. Being an empath, being sensitive, it's a great thing and it's the worse thing! So onward, gonna put the muck in the past and move on. I'm not gonna have a series of crazy happen and not have someone to help me, love me, be there for me in the future. I'm embracing my empathness!
In the end, I still don't know if there is any merit to the bad things come in threes. Tonight, one of my children is facing a medical issue that scares me. What number is that? At this point, I'm believing a shit storm is a shit storm and there is no group of 3's. Also at this point, I'd gladly take the group of 3 and move on. Seriously though, I'm blessed. While these bad things that have happened have been scary, terrifying, painful, etc. it could have ended very differently, very dark, worse, but it didn't. Karma, it's kept the darkness under control and allowed the light in. I feel like a phoenix rising from the ashes. I'm gonna find my person. They are out there! And fair warning, be prepared for a wild beautiful ride. You can't keep this empath down! People suck, life sucks but there is also beauty to be found.
Mostly though, I know my sensitivity is a superpower, perhaps my greatest, and it's the thing that keeps me loving our world in a profound way. That is... when I'm not too busy hiding from the world.
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